


Respire avec moi.

by mahixa



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety Attacks, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Panic Attacks, it has a good ending i promise, it's my first wolfstar fic let's see how it goes, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-17
Updated: 2021-01-17
Packaged: 2021-03-14 21:13:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,024
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28801878
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mahixa/pseuds/mahixa
Summary: "Good. Do that for me, okay? Hey, hey," Remus cups Sirius's face in his hands when he sees that Sirius is ready to cry again and lets out one small whimper after another. "Hey, look at me,look at mePadfoot. See?Respire avec moi.Look me in the eyes and see how calm I am. I am calm because I know that nothing bad is going to happen to you and that you will be okay. I promise. Here," he takes Sirius's hand and places it on his own chest. "Feel my breath. Let's focus on how my chest moves, okay? Do you see how it moves? Can you feel it? Good. And breathe. In," he takes a deep breath in. "And out."
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 12
Kudos: 101





	Respire avec moi.

"We have to find him."

"I know."

"We really have to find him!"

"Fuck, Peter, _I KNOW_."

Remus takes a deep breath to calm down. He has had enough; having the other guy, all trembling and muttering obvious things - that is not helping him _at all._

Sirius has been gone for over a whole day already. It is driving Remus mad, but also makes him think. What has he missed, what have they all missed, to allow Sirius escape like that in the first place? Leave them without any word, any message, any sign. Sure, there is something that comes to his mind, a certain... event. Between him and Sirius. But how could he leave them like that anyway? And the worst thing is that he has taken the map with him. They have been searching everywhere for it and now they are sure.

"Of course he did that," James pinches the bridge of his nose. "Of course. He doesn't want us to find him."

Remus is staring at James, who is the only person that he wants to be around right now. He looks tired and worried, just like Remus, but as always remains composed enough to think about any possible hiding places and eliminate the less probable.

Or the ones they have checked so far, at least.

"There's a place I think I should check," Remus sighs, closing his eyes.

"Okay, tell us where and-" James stands up from the chair, but is stopped by Remus's gentle hand.

"No, I'll go. You and Peter should stay in the common room if that asshole comes back."

Peter nods, but James frowns. He looks Remus deep in the eyes, searching for something.

"Are you sure, Moony?"

Remus is not sure if Sirius is _there_ , but he has to try. And he knows he has to go alone, not to break the promise he gave Sirius all those years ago during the second year.

He leaves Hogwart under James's invisibilty cloak and with hope of finding Sirius. He thinks about the last time they saw each other and how silent Sirius was. The things with Regulus have been far from good for all these years, but they seem to be getting worse and worse with each day. Sirius pretends to shrug it off but his friends know it affects him.

The thing is, Sirius cares about many things. People who think they know him would say that Sirius cares about his quidditch practice and his hair too. About his music records and his defense against the dark arts grades. About his friends as well. They would say Sirius doesn't care about what others think of him and about his family.

Remus, if anybody asked him, would say that Sirius cares about that one particular brown bird he always feeds whenever he goes to the West Tower. He cares about his little french book collection and he cares about any first year students who might get bullied by someone. And not everybody sees this side of Sirius, Remus thinks. Yes, he cares about his friends, and music, and quidditch and certain grades, but he also cares about all the things that would destroy his "bad boy" reputation in the eyes of others.

And he does care about his family. Well, maybe not about his parents, but about Regulus. That's a very complex and complicated situation, and James and Peter know that too. But none of them is even in a slightly similar situation; none of them has had to face such difficulties and rejection from their own family. So all they can do is to watch and make sure Sirius knows they are here for him.

But he doesn't say a lot. In fact, he says nothing.

It still affects him, though.

And the part that he doesn't care about what others think of him? _Bullshit_ , Remus says under his nose.

That's the thing. And Remus still remembers everything. He thinks that he will never be able to forget it.

He remembers the taste of Sirius's lips and his strong, needy hands on Remus's body. He remembers the soft moans escaping Sirius's mouth and his half-lidded, grey eyes. He remembers how his name sounds like when Sirius's sighs _like that._

He also remembers how shocked he was by his own desire, how taken aback, but also... how _right_ it felt. How, after all these years of being confused, Sirius turned out to be the key who can unclock Remus's breath.

How they both froze, before they managed to move any further, looking at each other and blinking, and how that one damn knock on the door was enough to separate them immediately.

And that happened only three days ago. And since then, it has been different. Everything between them. They haven't talked about it, still.

Not about the kissing, nor about the _feeling._

And Remus is not stupid. He's not stupid and he knows Sirius cares about what others may say. _Does he care about me?_

Remus reaches the last house in Hogsmeade that has been empty for years. That is the place when they kissed a few days ago. The place, he promised Sirius, he won't tell anyone about.

He enters the house and takes of the invisibility cloak. It's dark and chilly, and Remus can feel himself trebmling.

"Lumos," he whispers, as he slowly starts climbing the stairs.

And there he is. Sirius sits in the corner of a room, knees close to his chest, and he looks like he hasn't slept all night. He has his eyes closed though; his black hair falling on one side of his face.

Even like that, he still looks ravishing. Still beautiful.

Remus is sure that it is physically impossible for Sirius to look unattractive. And he has seen him after many parties, raw and real; after many particularly rough quidditch games, bruises and sweat. He saw him after the time when his parents had disinherited him. He has seen it all, and not even once he thought to himself that Sirius Black was unattractive. Sad? Yes. Tired? Yes. Scared? Too. But ugly? Never. He's not capable of looking horrid. He's always the brightest star in Remus's sky.

"Sirius," Remus speaks quietly, moving very slowly not to scare his friend.

Sirius still hasn't noticed Remus's presence, or he has chosen not to react.

"It's me. Padfoot?"

At that Sirius opens his eyes, and they are red and his eyelids are swollen. He has been crying.

He lets go off his knees and puts a hand on his chest, his breathing becoming quicker and uneven.

"I..." Remus starts but Sirius raises his other hand as a sign for Remus to stop.

"I can't- I can't... don't..." Sirius is now gasping for air, not making too much sense of his sentence.

He grabs his own throat as if there was someone trying to strangle him, and suddenly he leans forward and vomits.

Remus is by Sirius's side in a second, and he goes on his knees automatically.

"It's okay," he nods, trying to gently touch Sirius's back.

He's not sure if the physical touch is good or bad in this situation, so he makes sure to be ready to stop in any minute. But Sirius's breath seems to calm down, as he touches his own forehead and tries to get rid of the sweat. Him trembling like that is truly heartbreaking to watch, but Remus swallows and makes his touch more firm. He sits between Sirius and spreads his legs, so Sirius can lay on his chest.

"Can I hold you like that?" he whispers, his lips brushing over Sirius's hair.

A nod is all he gets from his friend, but he takes it.

"It's okay, I'm here. I won't let anything bad happen to you, Padfoot."

He gently puts his arms around Sirius's body and realises how he seems to relax under Remus's touch. Sirius grabs Remus's arm and gives it a little squeeze.

"It's okay," Remus repeats, and places a small kiss on the top of his head. "It's okay".

He doesn't know if he repeats it more to himself or to Sirius; because he's been worrying for so many hours and now holding Sirius seems like something that can vanish if he doesn't hold him close enough.

"Can you talk?" he asks Sirius after a few minutes, but Sirius shakes his head. "Okay. Can you nod a yes or a no for me, though? Can you do that for me?"

Sirius nods. That's a good sign. He grabs Remus's hand and holds onto it. He seems to be using more strenght now. Another good sign.

"Are you hurt anywhere?"

_No._

"Are you cold?"

_No._

"Does it feel good that it's chilly in here?"

_Yes._

"Are you comfortable with me holding you like that right now?"

_Yes._

"Are you hungry?"

_No._

"Has anybody followed you here?"

_No._

"Is it about Regulus?"

A shrug. Remus bites his bottom lip.

"Is it... about us?"

Nothing. There is no response, no nod, no nothing. He closes his eyes and doesn't know if he should loosen his embrace or hold Sirius closer to him.

"Sirius, listen I... I've been thinking... that maybe it was a..." he starts, but finally there's a voice coming from his friend.

"Don't call it a mistake," Sirius's voice is hoarse and quiet, barely above a whisper. "Don't you dare."

Remus doesn't know where is this all going.

"All my life I've been hearing that I'm a mistake. That all I do is a mistake. My choices are a mistake. Me being who I am is a mistake. I just-" Sirius's words come out of him at an incredible pace, louder this time.

Suddenly, he stands up and almost falls down immediately, his legs feeling week clearly after sitting for so long. Merlin knows for how long he has been staying in that position on the floor.

He looks down at Remus and his eyes are dark, and he looks almost dangerous and unpredictable. He shakes as he opens his mouth:

"Don't you dare call that kiss a mistake. Don't you do that to me, Remus Lupin."

Remus stands up slowly, gazing at Sirius.

"I was not going to."

Sirius laughs but it's cold and empty.

"So why the fuck would you just- leave me like that without speaking to me for three days? Pretending like it all has never happened?"

The taller boy blinks and frowns:

"Why _you_ didn't talk to me then."

"Because you were always with someone around you and made excuses and, fuck, Remus, do you think it's easy to be- to feel like- and my family- and the fact that I, I have all those... for you...-" he's not making sense again, as he starts pulling his hair really hard.

"Hey!" Remus grabs Sirius's wrists and forces him to stop. " _Respire avec moi._ "

Sirius looks at Remus as if he has remembered something, but then he shakes his head and comes back to their conversation.

"How could you not say anything and-"

"So I am the only one who always should be the bigger person when it comes to the two of us?" Remus hisses through his teeth, forgetting that he should stay calm during Sirius's panic attack, not feeling like he's being treated fair. "Look at you, Sirius, always a drama queen."

Sirius takes a step back and frowns as well:

" _I_ am a drama queen?" he breathes out, and he looks like he's ready to start screaming.

"Yes."

"I doubt it."

Sirius's breathing starts to be out of control again, as he is very visibly _still_ not calm. For now their banter must end, Remus thinks, and it takes all his pride and self-control to swallow and not continue their argument, but he does it anyway.

"I can't deal with you like that right now," he says, sitting on the floor again. "Calm down first, and then, when you feel better, we well continue from the ' _well, I don't doubt it, I know it'_ part."

He says it to make Sirius smile and he smiles too when he sees he has succeeded. Sirius slowly goes on his knees to sit next to Remus, trying to calm down his breath.

"Can you breathe with me?" Remus asks.

_Yes._

"Good. Do that for me, okay? Hey, hey," Remus cups Sirius's face in his hands when he sees that Sirius is ready to cry again and lets out one small whimper after another. "Hey, look at me, _look at me_ Padfoot. See? _Respire avec moi._ Look me in the eyes and see how calm I am. I am calm because I know that nothing bad is going to happen to you and that you will be okay. I promise. Here," he takes Sirius's hand and places it on his own chest. "Feel my breath. Let's focus on how my chest moves, okay? Do you see how it moves? Can you feel it? Good. And breathe. In," he takes a deep breath in. "And out."

After a round of Sirius's panic attacks, he finally seems to breathe with full consciousness and on his own. They sit in silence.

He has his head rested on Remus's shoulder and his eyes closed, and there's something magical about hearing Sirius's breath like that, all calm and steady again.

They make their to way to Hogwart under the invisibility cloak without saying a word.

James and Peter are waiting for them when they come back, and as soon as they see Sirius, they hug him, asking questions and looking at Remus, who climbs the stairs. It's after two in the morning and all Remus thinks about right now is a warm shower and his warm bed. It's been a lot to take in.

When he's done, he gets pass sleeping James and Peter and goes down to the common room. He won't be getting any sleep tonight, he feels, as always when he has to deal with a lot of emotions. And he has a lot of them.

As he's sitting by the fireplace, he thinks about Sirius being an asshole. About him being that drama queen he called him a few hours earlier. _Did he mean it?_ Yes, he meant it. Sirius _is_ a drama queen. But he is _his_ drama queen. He likes how Sirius can be, all open and emotional and loud and impulsive and... brave.

 _Yes_ , he smiles at the thought. Brave when he overcomes his panic attacks. Brave when he faces his family and people looking at him like he's a traitor. Brave when... will he brave when people will see him and Remus? Is there going to be _any_ "him and Remus"? How much can Sirius handle?

"I thought I would find you here," Sirius voice comes as a surprise to Remus, but it's quiet and tender and gentle.

Remus looks up to see that beautiful face, decorated with a soft light from the fireplace. His wet hair looks beautiful in that light, all sparkling and black as the night sky. He smells miraculously, this _very Sirius smell_. And Remus can't think straight.

 _Yes_ , he thinks. He likes that Sirius can be all those things. Loud and open and brave and... tender and quiet. But the last two things seem to be reserved only for Remus. He is not sure if he is going to regret thinking about himself as of someone that Sirius has some kind of a special treatment, but he cannot think too much now.

Sirius slowly sits next to Remus.

"You said something... back in that house."

Remus raises his eyebrows as if asking a question.

"You said," Sirius hesitates for a moment, but then continues. " _Respire avec moi._ "

Remus blushes and doesn't know why. Maybe it's because Sirius is getting closer to him, looking at Remus's lips.

"Yes," Remus nods, a bit confused. "You said that to me during our first full moon." He admits, and he feels naked suddenly.

Naked and exposed, as if him remembering Sirius saying these words would make him seem like a hopeless romantic.

But even if it would, he doesn't care that much, because Sirius places a warm hand on the back of Remus's neck.

"It's..." Sirius gently brushes his lips over Remus's, as if tasting the waters. "You are truly something, _Moony_."

The nickname sounds like something new, and after what seems like so many days without hearing it from Sirius, Remus finds himself almost gasping for air.

"I'm... sorry I didn't talk first about that thing," Sirius places a small kiss in the corner of Remus's lips, and he does it again, not kissing him fully on the mouth yet. "I need to learn how to... tell you things."

"You talk all the time, Padfoot," Remus groans when he leans in for the kiss, but Sirius teasingly moves back a little bit.

"Nah," Sirius kisses Remus's cheeks. "I talk all the time but I don't talk enough about you."

Suddenly, he pushes Remus's chest and forces him to lay down on the couch. He makes his way to find himself on top of Remus and between his legs.

And there goes this feeling. It feels _right. Again._

"About your amber eyes, Moony..." he kisses Remus's eyelids. "Or your nose. I really like your damn nose."

Remus huffs a laugh and puts his arms around Sirius. He's blushing but lets Sirius continue.

"Or your honey hair. Or your deep voice. Oh, this one I like a lot," he whispers, and kisses Remus's throat.

There's a moan escaping Remus's body, as he trembles and stops himself from saying _please._

"Remus," Sirius's face becomes solemn, and his eyes are focused on Remus's face in a way they have never focused before. "I'm afraid that I seem to have... certain feelings for you. But if you-"

Remus closes the gap between them, kissing him madly and deeply and it's Sirius, _it's Sirius_ and it's his beating heart, against Remus's, and his warm skin and his grey eyes.

And there's nothing that can pull them away from each other now.

Not now, not ever.

**Author's Note:**

> Wolfstar, man. Wolfstar is just the best, always, and forever, and I want to add something from me to this amazing fandom which I've been in since early 2000s. Here's to you, amazing people. I hope you enjoyed it! Let me know if you did or come to scream about wolfstar with me on my tumblr: mahixa  
> Have a lovely day!


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